When my daughter was six years old I signed her up for basketball. That was my favorite sport to play growing up so I assumed she’d love it too. The league needed more coaches so I volunteered to coach her team. How bad could it be, right?  I couldn’t wait to teach basic drills, how to shoot, run a couple plays, and maybe even a little full court press. Those skills quickly went out the window ten minutes into the first practice. Five and six year old girls weren’t exactly ready for all that. Let’s just catch the ball and try to dribble a few times before you shoot and hopefully it’s at the correct goal. So during the first game my daughter was one of the starting five. Half way through the first quarter I noticed she wasn’t running back to play defense. She just stood near the offensive goal. I yelled at her to get down court. She gestured with her tiny finger pointing to the floor, “Mom, I’m just gonna wait until they get back.” I immediately called time out and put a substitute in to take her place. She continued to play and finished out the season but that was her first and last season of basketball.

This was one of the first experiences that reminded me that she was unique and not a carbon copy of myself. As a parent I think it’s easy to assume or expect that your child will be just like you. Signing them up for sports or other extra curricular activities that we participated in as a child is normal. Children should experience a variety of activities. However, be open to the possibility that your plan may not fall under the umbrella of talents God gave them. Any hint of disappointment from us because they aren’t good at something we excelled at as a kid only makes them feel discouraged and angry. I know this first hand. I accused Katelyn of not trying hard enough and not taking it serious enough. Instead I should of listened to her and praised her for the little things she did right. If I could go back I would allow her to explore more of the things that she enjoyed back then, like arts & crafts, acting, animals, volunteering and service projects; instead of throwing her into sports and trying to force her to tap dance.

Tinkerbell in the school play

Now fast forward to junior high school. This is the age where I had to learn how to let life happen to her and not try to rescue her from every situation where she may get hurt. It’s really painful to stand back and watch your child get his or her heart broken by something out of both of your control. One of these times was when she played 7th grade JV volleyball. She had a tournament one Saturday and it lasted all day. I was there by 8am to watch her team play three games over the course of the next 7 hours. Game one, I watched Katelyn cheer her teammates on as they played while she sat the bench with a few others. As they would come off the court she was the first up giving them high fives and saying great job. She didn’t get to play that game but it didn’t phase her. Game two, the same thing; positive and encouraging, high fiving her teammates and she still didn’t step on the court like all of the others. At this point I’m starting to get annoyed. These are 7th graders. What excuse did the coach have to not play her? Game 3 and it’s nearly 3:00 in the afternoon. There are 40 seconds left in the game and the coach puts my daughter in finally. By this point my blood is boiling. Wow, thanks Coach. I wanted to tell her where she could shove those 40 seconds. I remember locking my eyes on the coach after the game hoping she would look at me. I was so angry. I couldn’t understand how winning a 7th grade JV volleyball tournament was more important than giving each player the chance to get real game time in. And no they didn’t win the tournament.

It’s my opinion that young players need to experience how to play when their adrenaline is flowing. They need to experience how it feels to do something good during a game or even  how to recover from a mistake. My daughter made every practice during the week and had such a positive attitude. I was so angry that she only got to play for 40 seconds! However, this was one of those lessons that was so valuable at that age. Not only for her but for me as her mom. The ‘Life isn’t Fair’ lesson offers an opportunity for us as parents to teach our child how to respond to it. How we as parents respond to the unfairness of life will be the greatest indicator of how our children respond to it in their own life. I remember her coming off the court at the end of the final game so excited that she got to play. I hugged her so tight and told her how proud I was of her. I tried to share as many details about everything she did during that short time. She had no idea how upset I was. In her eyes she helped win the game and that was enough for her.

“…I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.”

~Attitude by Charles Swindoll

This next experience is definitely one that I will never forget. Seventh grade cheerleading tryouts took place in early March. Twelve girls were trying out for a spot on the eight grade cheer squad for the next school year. On Monday the girls went to practice and learned the cheer and dance they would have to perform on Friday. This was going to be easy. I felt Katelyn had an advantage because I grew up cheering and even was a cheer coach during my time as a school teacher. We practiced for hours everyday. She had friends over to practice at our home. I judged them and corrected their bent arms or sloppy movements. I videoed her and let her watch herself to help her get better. I felt like we did everything right. By Thursday night she had it down. She looked really good and I couldn’t wait to celebrate with her.

Friday morning came and she got up early without me having to pull her out of bed. It was a half day of school and she got out at noon. Cheer tryouts were at 10am and each girl would be given a white sealed envelope with the results in it before dismissal. They were not to open it until they were in the car with their parent. In the parent meeting earlier that week, we were told that if our daughter didn’t make it we would get a phone call before school was out so that we could be prepared. I didn’t think twice about that. So imagine how it felt when that phone call came around 11:15am that Friday. I remember everything about that moment. My heart sank as the lady told me Katelyn didn’t make the team. I didn’t take it well. I wanted to know why. I totally lost it because I couldn’t understand how my daughter didn’t make the 8th grade cheer squad. Ten out of twelve girls made it. My daughter was one of the two that didn’t.

Now I had to head up to the school and wait in the car pool line. As I sat there in my car, I thought about what I was going to say once she opened that sealed envelope and read the results. How was I going to console her? What was the best way to handle this? Then I saw her. Running to the car with a huge white bow in her hair, white t-shirt, navy shorts that they had to wear for tryouts and envelope in hand. Her face was filled with excitement, smiling from ear to ear. I had told her she would make it and she believed me. I thought about the order of emotions she was about to experience. She jumped in the car,  ripped the envelope open and began to read. I watched as her smile slowly disappeared and her eyes filled with tears. She didn’t make cheerleader and now she knew it. As she held the letter in her hand, she looked out of the passenger side window. I’m sure it was because she didn’t want to cry or for me to see her face. I had to get out of the carpool line before I could hug her. I parked and hugged her as she tried not to cry. I didn’t know what to say except that it was going to be ok. I remember getting on the highway and just driving. We ended up in Sugar Land. I took her to the mall there and got her makeup done at Bare Minerals. I don’t know if that was the best way to deal with disappointment. However, she was 13 and hadn’t started wearing makeup yet. So this was a big deal and it took her mind off of what had just happened. Later we got ice cream and she said to me, “You know Mom some of those cheerleading chants are really dumb anyway.” It made me feel good to hear her say that and in my head I remember thinking, “They sure are.”

I do realize that none of this was life threatening and of course there are far worse things that she could have experienced in the 7th grade. However, these things are real moments that are a part of growing up. Every parent will have to deal with helping their child through some sort of ‘Life’s Not Fair’ situation. It’s those day to day lessons that give our child tools to use as an adult when life serves up disappointment. We as parents are the most powerful example for them. Whether we are parenting as one or in a home with both mom and dad, the impact you make is the same in each setting. How we as parents handle disappointment and life’s inevitable mistreatment will be our child’s greatest teacher. Actions really do speak louder than words.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28