I remember it was a Saturday just after midnight. Katelyn was 6 years old and wouldn’t go to sleep. Every since she was a year old she slept in her own bed, so she was in the next room of our tiny apartment crying. Not whimpering but crying in a way to get my attention. I had already gotten up several times to console her. She wanted her daddy. I laid with her, rubbed her back, tried to be affectionate but it wasn’t working. She couldn’t sleep and wanted me to take her to her dad’s house. I lived inside the 610 loop in Houston and he lived in Spring which was about 30 miles north. So no, I wasn’t taking her to her dad’s at midnight. I found myself losing my patience. It was only just over a year since my divorce was final. I was still so bitter and angry at the world. Sometimes it was hard to be compassionate to her because I was still grieving myself. I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was going to do now. I found myself at 30 years old in a place I never thought I’d be. I was broke. I was scared. I felt like such a failure. My heart broke for my sweet daughter because she loved her daddy so much and now she couldn’t curl up in his lap whenever she wanted. Divorce causes the kind of pain that can make you hate everything and be so enraged at the lack of control that you have on the situation that you loose sight of how to feel normal again. And that can be very dangerous and damaging…..

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.”      Marianne Williamson

So what did I do? I grabbed a belt. I did that because that’s what you do when kids won’t do what you say right? Oh and I had a 1 pop, 2 pop, 3 pop rule. I’d say you’re getting 1 pop if you don’t stop (insert behavior – in this case crying). If she kept it up 2 then 3. She always knew how many pops she was getting before it happened. That was my way of not going overboard. So I go into her room one final time and said I’d had enough. She must stop crying or she was getting a pop. She didn’t stop. I turned on the light and she got out of bed and turned around for her 1 dreaded pop. She moved just as I swung and it went across her small tiny back. My heart sank. I knew immediately I was wrong. This wasn’t something I should have spanked her for. I hugged her as we both cried. She kept saying “I’m sorry mommy. I’m sorry.” I told her I should not have spanked her. I was sorry and that I would take her to her dad’s. I packed her a small bag and we got into the car. I had called her dad and told him what had happened and that we were on our way. I dropped her off around 1:30 in the morning. She was so happy to see him. As I drove back home down I45 in the still of the night I remember feeling a sense of despair. Like, how in the world was this going to get better? And would I ruin my daughter in the process? What were her long term consequences for this situation? So many questions I had and I felt helpless. I remember crying and praying on the way home asking God to help me. I begged him to help me. I knew that all of this was so much bigger than I was and that if he didn’t intervene I just might loose everything. I also made a promise to myself that I was going to be more patient with Katelyn and the truth is, I don’t think I ever spanked her again. She might disagree, but I honestly can’t think of a time after that.

So why do I tell this story? Of the list of things I want to share, God kept putting the word FORGIVENESS on my heart. I think I have to start there. If someone is newly single, newly divorced, or ever been mistreated by someone, forgiveness is the answer to getting your life back. Getting your sleep back. Your ability to love back. Your ability to think straight. You can’t truly move on if you don’t forgive. You can’t be your best as a parent if you don’t forgive, even if it was your fault. Both sides of divorce present reasons to forgive. That night as Katelyn cried in her bed wanting her daddy, I couldn’t give her what she needed. I was so angry that she was put in a situation where she couldn’t have her dad when she wanted. I was able to overreact so poorly because I hadn’t forgiven.  A lot of it was my pride. I hated the fact that I was now divorced. Lewis Smedes says in his book The Art of Forgiving, “When you forgive you set a prisoner free to find out you are the prisoner.” I was a prisoner to my unforgiveness. In that situation forgiveness for me was a process. It took time and a lot of prayer and counseling. I didn’t just say it once and all the sudden I was better. I kept having to remind myself to forgive and let it go. God healed my heart and gave me back my hope and joy. It took me a couple of years to get there but I did. And i began to see all the possibilities that lie ahead for me. My life was starting over and I had an opportunity to make it even better. One thing I do want to mention is that I always protected Katelyn’s heart in regards to her father. If I was angry with him for something or was talking with my girlfriends or family with her around, I tried to never say anything negative. I think this is very important to remember. You will break your child’s heart if you do otherwise. I believe with every negative word they hear about their mother or father there is a small deposit of anger put into their heart. Protect your children’s heart. Protect your own heart and choose to forgive. Don Henley even wrote a song about it…. “I’ve been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter. But my flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter but I think it’s about, forgiveness, FORGIVENESS….”

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

So let’s fast forward 14 years later. Here’s proof that God can do amazing things with our messes. I have a wonderful relationship with Katelyn’s father and step mother. I respect them and we have worked as a team in raising her. Katelyn has three siblings that adore her. I’m so thankful for those little kids and that Katelyn gets to be a big sister. She loves them so much! For the last nine years, Christmas Eve is spent at my house. Katelyn’s father and stepmom and their 3 children, my parents, and my brother and sister in law and my two nephews, and sometimes a few friends come. We eat dinner and exchange gifts. We are a family. Katelyn has the best case scenario in what I thought was despair. Jesus did it. I give Him all the glory. He can give you beauty for ashes if you are willing to hand over to Him what is broken.